I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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