apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
