how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
