I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
