I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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