my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I looked at my own cervix.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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