His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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