wanna go halves on a baby?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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