he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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