I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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