dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
