I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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