Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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