I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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