So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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