I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
did i just pee glitter
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
