I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
