You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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