remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
