hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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