Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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