I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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