why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
