My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
this hospital has no fireball
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
