I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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