Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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