How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
