turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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