my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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