The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I fill condoms, not promises.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I still have a little drunk in my system
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
