Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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