I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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