The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
