I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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