Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
