please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
