Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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