Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize