So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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