This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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