Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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