....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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