I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
