im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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