When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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