I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
