Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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