I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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