Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
