he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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