He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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